Duplicity IC Inbox [ un: jbenjamin ]

[cicatrize]

you've reached jack benjamin. clearly, I have better things to do.

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cw; suicide

[absolutperfection]

[ TJ gets it, the best that he's capable of. Jack doesn't have to say it back because he understands that, too. They are who they are and that's always going to be good enough for him.

He hadn't been ready to tell Jack about his past. The things he's done and what he's gone through. Jack is a breath away, curled close and stroking his cheek so softly that TJ would cry if he hadn't steeled himself to say what he's going to. ]

I've never been a fall in love kind of guy. Didn't really want that.

[ TJ inhales and almost holds his breath. ] But when I met him, when I met.. Sean. It was like love at first sight. For the first time in my life, I felt like I had someone who understood me. I was sober the entire time we were together.

And I thought he loved me, too.

[ He closes his eyes, squeezes Jack's hand. ]

He was married. Had a high school sweetheart. Kids. Thought he'd leave them for me. Thought he meant what he said. But my mother was right. If he was going to do that he would have done it and he chose his career over anything I could offer him. I didn't handle it well. I locked the garage door. I sealed everything shut and I turned the car on. He said I disgusted him. That he left me feeling ashamed of himself and I couldn't take it anymore.

[ TJ licks his lips and tries to block out the memory. The ache that never went away. ]

Worst part of it all? It was only the first attempt. I used to think that I turned out this way because of my childhood. The things that happened because I was the first openly gay son of president. Mom tried to get me to ignore it. To block out the vitriol and I think she felt guilty. But I grew up and I moved on to let other shit hurt me instead. [ He stops then, for a moment. ] Don't let me fall in love with anyone, Jack. Not here. Not unless they're good for me. No, not even then.