there's a lengthy pause before the next message is sent in which jack realizes just how very screwed he is in this and regrets speaking to Dagger ever, because he's about to have to kill a whole lot of people and he's going to need so much alcohol to get over this. fuck. ]
FROM: benjamin.jonathan@cdc.org
Have Gliese send me the order directly. Then I'll do it.
It's logistics, how bad can you actually get with that? Are they planning to give command to a team of recruits? [ logistics seems simple. command makes things difficult. you have to make choices you'd rather not. ]
[ more pausing. more drinking. more hating everything on this dumbass planet. ]
FROM: benjamin.jonathan@cdc.org
So we handle discrepancies and dissenters. Blue are the actual attack dogs.
[ so if clary goes off on her fighting the man sort of thing, it could be jack taking care of her. who pushed the big red button on the almina? after a long while, the latter message comes, mostly just because he needs something actually light in this. relatively. ]
FROM: benjamin.jonathan@cdc.org
Either it was the eggs or it was nothing and you're just being an asshole.
[ back to 'power' again, and all that rings in jack's mind is silas's voice, cross's voice. gunshots and growing pools of crimson spreading across the unity hall table as his sister looked at him like she didn't recognize him. you could have been better. 'power', to jack, was watching the coffin of the only person he'd ever really loved being lowered into the dirt. it was standing by and pretending he could live with david being slaughtered for silas's ambition, jack's ambition, and cross's alone. ]
FROM: benjamin.jonathan@cdc.org
Back to 'because I wouldn't slaughter enough people for it'.
[ it's funny, really. it's a fucking joke - twenty five years telling himself it'd be worth it at the end, but that's all it really is, isn't it? being the one cold enough to step over the corpses of the others. he's at that point now, again, when he could let go if he wanted to. he could step away from it and salvage what little is left of himself, but he can't help the nagging, seething voice that wants to make all he's already lost worth something.
it's the hardest thing for him to say, because all his life has ever been is trying to prove what he's capable of. trying to slice off pieces of himself and bury them so he'd be capable of rising higher, of being that something more that his father had whispered to him since he was young. we give up what we want when we want power, wrestle it to the ground, numb it with ice. after all he's given up and burned out of himself, is there really much left to sacrifice? he could stay in blue - he's been able to look at something horrible and do nothing about it before. jack knows he's capable of it. but how much more of himself will he have to hollow out to live like that? and how much is he actually escaping Shiloh, or Silas, anymore? ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
I wasn't talking about Stark. Who do you think told me about your plants?
[ What do Alina, Sturmhond, Adrien, and November have in common? ]
FROM: dagger@cdc.org
You'll do it.
no subject
there's a lengthy pause before the next message is sent in which jack realizes just how very screwed he is in this and regrets speaking to Dagger ever, because he's about to have to kill a whole lot of people and he's going to need so much alcohol to get over this. fuck. ]
FROM: benjamin.jonathan@cdc.org
Have Gliese send me the order directly. Then I'll do it.
Fray's still safe?
no subject
Fair enough.
If you come through, she is.
We actually want you to succeed, you know. Not like you can't do it.
no subject
You're asking me to assassinate people specialized in covert ops.
[ just pointing it out. if you want him killing people like natasha romanoff, you're putting a lot on faith. ]
no subject
Bitching your way through life isn't going to get you anywhere. If you don't have the balls to do it, I won't hold it against you.
I'll find someone else. No deal.
no subject
Do I get put on a shit list too if I back out now?
What happens to Fray?
no subject
Well, she failed.
I'm just asking you to try your best here.
no subject
FROM: benjamin.jonathan@cdc.org
I'll figure it out. Just have Gliese send the order.
no subject
Come to Red. I appreciate you more than these guys ever will.
no subject
Gliese is a lot more sane than you. Sorry.
FROM: benjamin.jonathan@cdc.org
And Gliese never told someone to cut my dick off.
[ btw, that was him Elena was talking about. srysry. ]
no subject
Trust me, you wanna get out of Blue while you can.
And don't lie to people next time.
no subject
Why? What's wrong with Blue?
What did I even lie about? [ for real, he doesn't get it ]
no subject
Are you seriously telling me none of you Blues ever wondered why, out of the four teams, it's the captain's team that has it easiest thus far.
no subject
It's logistics, how bad can you actually get with that? Are they planning to give command to a team of recruits? [ logistics seems simple. command makes things difficult. you have to make choices you'd rather not. ]
FROM: benjamin.jonathan@cdc.org
You didn't tell me what I lied about.
no subject
You haven't figured it out yet?
Don't ever say nobody didn't warn you.
no subject
I didn't pin you for being frustratingly vague as of yet. If I'd figured it out already I wouldn't be asking. And that's a double negative.
FROM: benjamin.jonathan@cdc.org
Was it the eggs comment?
no subject
You know what happened to Simon? I don't, because I don't want to.
And if I'm lucky, I never will.
no subject
FROM: benjamin.jonathan@cdc.org
So we handle discrepancies and dissenters. Blue are the actual attack dogs.
[ so if clary goes off on her fighting the man sort of thing, it could be jack taking care of her. who pushed the big red button on the almina? after a long while, the latter message comes, mostly just because he needs something actually light in this. relatively. ]
FROM: benjamin.jonathan@cdc.org
Either it was the eggs or it was nothing and you're just being an asshole.
no subject
Blue is where people who can handle power go. And you can't, the way you're going.
I'm an asshole. Caught me.
hurrghhh sry feelings tag
FROM: benjamin.jonathan@cdc.org
Back to 'because I wouldn't slaughter enough people for it'.
[ it's funny, really. it's a fucking joke - twenty five years telling himself it'd be worth it at the end, but that's all it really is, isn't it? being the one cold enough to step over the corpses of the others. he's at that point now, again, when he could let go if he wanted to. he could step away from it and salvage what little is left of himself, but he can't help the nagging, seething voice that wants to make all he's already lost worth something.
it's the hardest thing for him to say, because all his life has ever been is trying to prove what he's capable of. trying to slice off pieces of himself and bury them so he'd be capable of rising higher, of being that something more that his father had whispered to him since he was young. we give up what we want when we want power, wrestle it to the ground, numb it with ice. after all he's given up and burned out of himself, is there really much left to sacrifice? he could stay in blue - he's been able to look at something horrible and do nothing about it before. jack knows he's capable of it. but how much more of himself will he have to hollow out to live like that? and how much is he actually escaping Shiloh, or Silas, anymore? ]
FROM: benjamin.jonathan@cdc.org
Fine. Put me on Red.