Duplicity IC Inbox [ un: jbenjamin ]

[cicatrize]

you've reached jack benjamin. clearly, I have better things to do.

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[absolutperfection]

[ TJ fidgets because he doesn't know what to do with his hands. If he tries to keep still all the noise in his head will overwhelm him. He hates the silence. It's too loud, too much, always too much. So he plays with Jack's shirt, tugs at the fabric. Smooths it out and creases it again. ]

I love you, Jack.

[ Like a brother, lover, best friend. He probably won't ever figure out exactly how to describe what Jack is to him. There just wasn't a word. He was someone that he cared for and needed but it wasn't a simple thing to be crowded into a single box. ]

You're more than that to me, too. [ He hopes he understands. It's not that romantic I'm head over heels in love with you or the let's just be brothers love. It's more. It's a lot. ] I'm ready to tell you about the rest.

If you want to hear it.

[cicatrize]

[ jack can't repeat it back. even simple familial love, the word is too loaded with too many other things, but he smiles all the same, warm and fond and genuine, and he leans forward to press his forehead against tj's, nuzzling against him, and pressing a short, sweet kiss to his lips. jack hopes it speaks enough of his reciprocation to make up for the things he can't voice.

he understands it. even if they don't put words to the bond they have, even if there aren't real words they could apply to it, jack gets it. he knows the 'i romantic love you' looks and tones, he knows the 'i platonic love you' ones just the same. he knows that they fall somewhere in between that doesn't really have a label, and he's settled with that.

more pressing than that, he knows tj's been carrying around painful things within him that he hasn't found either words or courage to part with. jack hadn't pushed, because it isn't his nature. he isn't like steve, or michelle. it isn't his job or his place or his desire to pry personal trauma from others, no matter how painful it may be.

but when it comes, he's ready to listen, and he wants to. jack doesn't move from where he is, leaves their foreheads pressed together, and strokes a hand over tj's cheek, waiting out what he has to say. ] Tell me.

cw; suicide

[absolutperfection]

[ TJ gets it, the best that he's capable of. Jack doesn't have to say it back because he understands that, too. They are who they are and that's always going to be good enough for him.

He hadn't been ready to tell Jack about his past. The things he's done and what he's gone through. Jack is a breath away, curled close and stroking his cheek so softly that TJ would cry if he hadn't steeled himself to say what he's going to. ]

I've never been a fall in love kind of guy. Didn't really want that.

[ TJ inhales and almost holds his breath. ] But when I met him, when I met.. Sean. It was like love at first sight. For the first time in my life, I felt like I had someone who understood me. I was sober the entire time we were together.

And I thought he loved me, too.

[ He closes his eyes, squeezes Jack's hand. ]

He was married. Had a high school sweetheart. Kids. Thought he'd leave them for me. Thought he meant what he said. But my mother was right. If he was going to do that he would have done it and he chose his career over anything I could offer him. I didn't handle it well. I locked the garage door. I sealed everything shut and I turned the car on. He said I disgusted him. That he left me feeling ashamed of himself and I couldn't take it anymore.

[ TJ licks his lips and tries to block out the memory. The ache that never went away. ]

Worst part of it all? It was only the first attempt. I used to think that I turned out this way because of my childhood. The things that happened because I was the first openly gay son of president. Mom tried to get me to ignore it. To block out the vitriol and I think she felt guilty. But I grew up and I moved on to let other shit hurt me instead. [ He stops then, for a moment. ] Don't let me fall in love with anyone, Jack. Not here. Not unless they're good for me. No, not even then.