cicatrize | Duplicity IC Inbox [ un: jbenjamin ]

[He knows how Jack is about this shit but TJ needs to say it.]

I'm sorry.
About Tumenalia.

And thank you.

[ sweet summer child, how are you so precious? ]

There's nothing to apologize for. If I didn't want to do it, I wouldn't have.

I'm glad it helped.

I was a bully. And an asshole.

[And he'd understood how Jack felt about doing shit where other people could see. He made him anyway.]

Guess I've always known I want that from someone else.
But it wasn't right to force you.

Do I seem like someone who lets myself get bullied?

[ there's maybe two or three people ever who have made jack benjamin do something he didn't want to, and they were all family - mom, dad, uncle. tj's better than family to him.

and really, during tumenalia, he'd been making out with random dudes in the hotel lobby, so its hardly TJ's fault if anyone saw. if anything, what had stressed him most was having to fake love. it reignites a hurt in him that he's constantly trying to snuff out. though, with TJ, he doesn't mind it so much. familial love could be skewed well enough for it. ]

I could've walked to a gas station to get what I asked you for in exchange, TJ. I chose not to.

No. Doesn't mean it can't happen.
I just needed to say it.

We're friends. Probably the first real friend I've had in a long time.
Didn't want to screw that up.

If you need to. I forgive you.

TJ, you are the first real friend I've had, period.
End of sentence.
I'm far more concerned about me screwing that up than you.

Are you in the house?

Guess we're on the same page then.

Where else would I be?
I'm laying in bed.
My favorite place, Jacket.

[ he doesn't send a text back. instead, he pushes back from his desk, where he'd been working, and pads over to TJ's room. the door creaks open, and jack paces in casually, as if it's his own room, coming to the edge of the mattress and crawling up onto it.

jack lays down on his side, facing TJ and brushed up against him, with one arm tucked under the pillow, and the other flopped over his twin's stomach. a long, slow exhale streams from him, like jack's releasing tension as he settles in against TJ, shoulders going slightly more slack, arm on TJ's torso lying a little heavier. ]

You know I'm not going anywhere, right?

Edited 2018-11-04 03:46 (UTC)

[Oh, great. Now he can't hide behind his phone anymore.

Which he drops behind him on the bed as Jack crawls up to lay next to him. He doesn't need the distraction. Especially not when Jack is about to give him the attention that he can never seem to get enough of. When Jack speaks he looks him in the eye, sees right through him sometimes, but he always makes sure that TJ knows that he's listening.

TJ tugs at the hem of Jack's shirt.]

You say that and I wanna believe you.

[Their relationship isn't romantic. Jack might indulge his whimsies here and there, fucks him, but they're not 'dating'. He gives him affection and supports him in his business endeavors. He's a best friend, lover, twin, and occasional asshole. And TJ doesn't know what he's supposed to do with that. If he latches on the way he's used to doing, he's proving his mother right and when, if, fuck, Jack ever does leave he'll drown.]

But believing you means putting my cards on your table. I need you. The longer we do this the more I'll need you. I, uh, don't handle it well when I lose the things I need. [He pulls at Jack's shirt, idle hands.] I like you enough to not put that on your shoulders.

[ TJ fidgets because he's nervous, Jack's noticed. he doesn't like the quiet, or the stillness. where jack finds calm in the peace of it, TJ finds anxiety. jack's singularly focused on him now, no distractions otherwise, and TJ's toying with his shirt. jack doesn't make mention of it, watching his face for a pause, considering how he wants to put this to words. ]

I'm not going home. [ jack finally tells him, lifting the hand on his chest to push through the wild, fluffy strands on his head. if jack grew his hair out, he could probably look identical. maybe a shade darker, slightly less aged. good enough to fool anyone. ] If I have any say in it, this place is my last stop, and that makes it, and the people within it, my life now.

[ it makes TJ his family, real family. a necessary part of his home. it's sacred to him. ]

You're a brother to me, TJ. More than that.

[ TJ fidgets because he doesn't know what to do with his hands. If he tries to keep still all the noise in his head will overwhelm him. He hates the silence. It's too loud, too much, always too much. So he plays with Jack's shirt, tugs at the fabric. Smooths it out and creases it again. ]

I love you, Jack.

[ Like a brother, lover, best friend. He probably won't ever figure out exactly how to describe what Jack is to him. There just wasn't a word. He was someone that he cared for and needed but it wasn't a simple thing to be crowded into a single box. ]

You're more than that to me, too. [ He hopes he understands. It's not that romantic I'm head over heels in love with you or the let's just be brothers love. It's more. It's a lot. ] I'm ready to tell you about the rest.

If you want to hear it.

[ jack can't repeat it back. even simple familial love, the word is too loaded with too many other things, but he smiles all the same, warm and fond and genuine, and he leans forward to press his forehead against tj's, nuzzling against him, and pressing a short, sweet kiss to his lips. jack hopes it speaks enough of his reciprocation to make up for the things he can't voice.

he understands it. even if they don't put words to the bond they have, even if there aren't real words they could apply to it, jack gets it. he knows the 'i romantic love you' looks and tones, he knows the 'i platonic love you' ones just the same. he knows that they fall somewhere in between that doesn't really have a label, and he's settled with that.

more pressing than that, he knows tj's been carrying around painful things within him that he hasn't found either words or courage to part with. jack hadn't pushed, because it isn't his nature. he isn't like steve, or michelle. it isn't his job or his place or his desire to pry personal trauma from others, no matter how painful it may be.

but when it comes, he's ready to listen, and he wants to. jack doesn't move from where he is, leaves their foreheads pressed together, and strokes a hand over tj's cheek, waiting out what he has to say. ] Tell me.

[ TJ gets it, the best that he's capable of. Jack doesn't have to say it back because he understands that, too. They are who they are and that's always going to be good enough for him.

He hadn't been ready to tell Jack about his past. The things he's done and what he's gone through. Jack is a breath away, curled close and stroking his cheek so softly that TJ would cry if he hadn't steeled himself to say what he's going to. ]

I've never been a fall in love kind of guy. Didn't really want that.

[ TJ inhales and almost holds his breath. ] But when I met him, when I met.. Sean. It was like love at first sight. For the first time in my life, I felt like I had someone who understood me. I was sober the entire time we were together.

And I thought he loved me, too.

[ He closes his eyes, squeezes Jack's hand. ]

He was married. Had a high school sweetheart. Kids. Thought he'd leave them for me. Thought he meant what he said. But my mother was right. If he was going to do that he would have done it and he chose his career over anything I could offer him. I didn't handle it well. I locked the garage door. I sealed everything shut and I turned the car on. He said I disgusted him. That he left me feeling ashamed of himself and I couldn't take it anymore.

[ TJ licks his lips and tries to block out the memory. The ache that never went away. ]

Worst part of it all? It was only the first attempt. I used to think that I turned out this way because of my childhood. The things that happened because I was the first openly gay son of president. Mom tried to get me to ignore it. To block out the vitriol and I think she felt guilty. But I grew up and I moved on to let other shit hurt me instead. [ He stops then, for a moment. ] Don't let me fall in love with anyone, Jack. Not here. Not unless they're good for me. No, not even then.

Duplicity IC Inbox [ un: jbenjamin ]

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cw; suicide